I can’t believe I’m writing this post, but I’ve overshared my life so many times already that I can’t leave this one out. With a very heavy and broken heart, I’m so sad to tell you that I had Biff euthanized last week. It was one of the most difficult and horrible decisions I’ve had to make in my life. As weird as it sounds, we were in love. Like madly in love. Biff was probably more of the “madly” part of that equation, but yes, still in love.

He was my little shadow and if I was home, he was with me. He’d take a break from me if someone else was eating, but 99% of the time, he was with me. And I work from home so we were together almost 24/7.

He was the most loving and cuddly dog I’ve ever met.

And he just wanted to be near me all the time. But he was also 70 pounds of pure muscle. I knew right away that we would both need training if I had any chance of controlling him. He went to a Reactive Rover class at the Humane Society, he spent 40 days at a board and train facility, and then most recently I started having him wear a muzzle when we went on walks. He loved getting ready for a walk:

And all of that training worked! Except that he started becoming unpredictably aggressive toward people when I was around. Biff became aggressive toward the mailman twice (once at our house and once away from our house when we were on a walk) and got too close while running and barking and scraped the mailman with his mouth (not a bite, but close enough). Recently, and for no reason whatsoever, he starting “turning on” someone in my home (someone he’s known since I first rescued him), not biting her, but running, jumping and barking at her in an extremely aggressive manner. We started changing our behavior and Biff would still react. I even saw two psychics about his behavior.

I became increasingly nervous about his behavior, we stopped having people over to the house, and if anyone came by, we’d have to have him in a muzzle. Once he started displaying aggressive behavior toward the person in my home, I contacted the shelter (a no-kill shelter that specializes in pit bull rescues) and they agreed that after everything I’d done for Biff, euthanizing was the best option. Honestly, I was relieved. As much as I love him, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he hurt someone. And I couldn’t stand the idea of leaving him at the shelter, worrying about him with a new family, or how he’d feel after I’d “abandoned” him. After talking to the shelter, I also called his vet. I explained the situation and all I had done for him, and the vet also agreed. I made an appointment for a few days out so that we could all spend some good quality time with him.

In his last days, we gave him all the love and affection, chicken and rice, treats, and long walks we could. He really lived his very best life!

I thought that euthanizing him would be the most difficult part, but, as it turns out, the aftermath has been so much more difficult than I ever could have imagined. He was only four years old and my very best friend. I miss him more than any other dog I’ve ever had and I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye.

I have already ordered a photo book with about trillion pictures of him. It’s going to take a while for me to recover from losing him, and I’m afraid that there will always be a hole in my heart from this guy.