***For those wondering, my sister has not exploded yet.***
Remember my friend Lea?
We worked together for a couple of years and then she moved to Guam. Fortunately, we’ve managed to stay in touch and she is still as hilarious as ever. Remember my birthday cards?
Kristy (Krusty) and I call Lea “Plaid Pantry”. For those of you who don’t know what a Plaid Pantry is, it’s a convenience store, like Circle K or AM/PM. Lea got this nickname because, when we first started work, her office was like a convenience store. She had gum, snacks, drinks…it was so weird and completely funny. And so she will forever be Plaid Pantry to us.
Anyway, yesterday I found a package waiting for me when I got home. A BELATED BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I had no idea what to expect, but I knew Lea would only send me the best.
I wasn’t disappointed.
SHE SENT ME SH*T FROM HER PLAID PANTRY IN GUAM!!!
Bing was excited too:
Completely amazing. And they sell some weird stuff there. Obviously, the Spam Singles are weird, but the package of shrimp gravy mix was just, umm, different? Thank god she sent candy because it was good and we ate it all.
We liked these little cookies too:
We just ate them, but I’m not sure I tasted the “magic of Guam”. Also, I’m not really sure what “Baked on Guam” means…
And I think I’m a little scared of Coco-Jo.
Finally, the most inappropriate gift in the box:
The penis ashtray. And no, I didn’t ask Lea to get this for me. I don’t understand why there is so much penis paraphernalia out there. Is it really that big of a seller? I’ve only known anyone to buy something like this as a joke. I mean, I’ve never seen it used on Design on a Dime or Color Splash, either.
I’ve decided I will either design a room around this penis ashtray or give it away in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Or maybe I’ll just put it in my office to scare people.
THANK YOU, PLAID PANTRY, FOR THE MOST EXCELLENT GIFTS FROM GUAM!!!
CatasTrophy Wife 
OMG Officially the best present EVER!!!!!! Laughing so hard right now.
Any of those options for the dildo astry works. It may also work as a baby shower gift. Or bridal shower. Hm, the list goes on….
or ashtray even.
Yes, I guess could use it as an ashtray!! Funny how that didn’t cross my mind as an option.
Yay, I made the blog! I prefer not to think of it as an ashtray, and more like an ancient Chamorro fertility statue. It was handcarved by a third generation Indonesian craftsman who traded it for two pounds of taro root and some breadfruit. At least, that’s how you should explain it to whoever is the proud recipient at the Secret Santa exchange.
I don’t know if Japanese people think penises are really funny, or what, but there’s all manner of penis-shaped gift items to purchase at the Japanese tourist shops. The shops are all next to the “massage” parlors. So Guam is a place where you can get penis-shaped souvenirs and a happy ending, all for under a hundred bucks. I basically live in the Tijuana of Asia. There’s not any typically Guamanian gifts, because that would require some industry, which would be way too much work. That poor little Coco-Jo is the hardest working Islander I’ve met. And only because they threaten to beat him if he stops making the cookies, even for a second. The “Magic of Guam” is little Coco-Jo’s tears that he cries into the mixture of each batch, praying for a tomorrow when he is free and re-united with the other little Duendes.
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